Effective Jokes / Recent Jokes

Are you bewildered by the fluctuations in the stock market. If so, you are not alone. The answer is really simple. The market has nothing to do with the profitability of a firm. It has only to do with the expectations of investors as to what future profitability might be.
Take the meteoric rise and abrupt fall in Merck stock recently. As you probably know Merck is an old established chemical and drug company which has always been profitable. They are a leader in cardiac (Vasotec, Hydrodiuril) and arthritic (Decadron, Indocin) drugs. Their growth has been stabile but not spectacular. So why the sudden changes in their stock.
Well, it seems that Merck researchers have developed a breakthrough drug in the treatment of depression, especially effective in the depression common in adolescent women. This new drug, dihydromethylfluxotine or the brand name proposed, Ufouria, has been undergoing extensive double blind studies in the United States and Sweden and preliminary reports more...

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Wal-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich.
"Felix!" he exclaimed one day, "We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach you how to fly!"
Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect: "I can't fly, you idiot... I'm a frog, not a canary!"
Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix: "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class."
So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication... but nothing about flying.
On the first day of "flying lessons", Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window more...

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Wal-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich.
"Felix!" he exclaimed one day, "We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach you how to fly!"
Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect: "I can't fly, you idiot...
I'm a frog, not a canary!"
Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix: "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class."
So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication... but nothing about flying.
On the first day of "flying lessons", Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window more...

Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other, "My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today."
"How does he know this for sure though?" asked the other woman.
"Because besides being my husband who thinks he's always right, he's also an asshole himself."

The most effective copyright protection known to man: a scratched CD.

Everyone is talking about things like hybrid cars and solar panels as ways to save energy and stem the tide of gloabal warming, but these methods are expensive and inconvenient. That's why DailyComedy is offering ways to help the environment that, although almost completely ineffective, aren't overly burdensome.
So here they are, in no particular order: The five least effective ways to combat global warming:

5. Lose the electric toothbrush. The jury is still out on whether electric toothbrushes are better at removing plaque than the old-fashioned kind. So why not save precious electricity and get a light workout at the same time?
4. Try parking in the driveway now and then instead of driving all the way into the garage. When the weather is mild, you can use this technique to save (literally) pennies worth of gas.
3. The less a car weighs, the less power it requires and the more fuel-efficient it is. But even if you drive an SUV, you can still lighten the load by more...

Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on company business.
TRANSPORTATION
Hitch-hiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Should hitch-hiking prove fruitless, bus travel may be utilized if absolutely necessary. Airline tickets will be authorized for purchase only under extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Sacramento but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Denver, then travel to Denver will be substituted for travel to Sacramento.
Car rental fees are going up all the time, and are to be avoided. As a substitute for these charges, we recommend car-sharing. Simply turn your issued safety vest inside out, and you will notice that it now says "VALET PARKING ATTENDANT" over the left breast pocket. more...