Emergency Jokes / Recent Jokes
The intern on duty at the hospital emergency room received a phone call late one night from a distressed mother who exclaimed, "Doctor, what shall I do-my husband just discovered that our two year old has eaten a whole tube of contraceptive jelly."
"Well," the intern drawled, "if it's really an emergency, why don't you have one of those all-night drugstores deliver?"
> Lufthansa - Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from
> the captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we
> have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the
> ocean" The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation
> but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
> "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency
> and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the
> non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers
> are on
> the right side of the plane" After this announcement all
> the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's
> request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
> The captain once again made an annoucement:"Ladies and Gentlemen we
> have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers more...
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
As the year 2000 rolls at us like the big ball after Indiana Jones, Allan Appel has compiled "A Portable Apocalypse: A Quotable Companion to the End of the World" (Riverhead Books, $12). Some highlights:
The world ended Sunday night -- at least on CBS. Some people were mad when they found out it wasn't true.
Tony Williams of WUSA after the airing of a TV movie filmed as a breaking news broadcast covering the crash of asteroids into Earth.
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Due to cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
-- sign hanging in office at Mt. Sinai Hospital, New York, 1995
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There are signs that the world is speedily coming to an end: Bribery and corruption are common. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.
-- from Assyrian tablet, 2800 B.C.E.
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Somehow the world never more...
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6, 000. 00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "And then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000. 00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "And then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
1. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
3. You believe that a good tape job will fix anything.
4. You have the bladder capacity of five people.
5. You can identify the "positive teeth to tattoo" ratio.
6. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
7. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
8. You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.
9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
10. You have your weekends off planned for a year.
11. When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin.
12. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.
13. You encourage an obnoxious pt. to sign out AMA just so you don't more...
Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials.
The following true exchange says it all:
Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?"
Doctor: "That's correct."
Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"
Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."
Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?"
Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later."
Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"
Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially."
Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in more...