English Jokes / Recent Jokes

What's the difference between an English Sheepherder and Mick Jagger? Mick Jagger sings "Hey, Hey, you, you, get off of my cloud." An English sheepherder says: "Hey, Hey MacCloud! Get off of my ewe!"

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After being there for a month, his mother paid him a visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terribly noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side does nothing but scream all night."
"Oh, Donald, you poor dear!" his mother said. "How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes," Donald replied.

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!"What else do you have?" asks the student."Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter."I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky)."And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.""Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?""Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied,"they're such terrible, noisy
people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let`s face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don`t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn`t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn`t the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on more...

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a more...