English Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured? A: One is far more painful to your ears.Q: What's the name of a good English horn player? A: I'll tell you when I meet one.Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn? A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.

A Broadway bookie was given a parrot in lieu of cash payment. The bird's vocabulary included choice phrases in English, French, Spanish and German. Sensing a winner, the bookie hauled the bird off to his favorite bar.
"Speaks four languages," he said to the bartender, who snorted in disbelief. "Wanna bet this bird can speak four languages?" the bookie challenged.
Annoyed, the bartender finally agreed to a ten-dollar wager. The bookie turned to the parrot and said, "Parlez-vous frangais?"Theve was no response.
Nor was there any reply to the question in English, Spanish or German. The bartender picked up the bookie's sawbuck from the bar and went about his business.
On the street, the bookie glared at the bird. "You fink!" he exclaimed. "I've got ten bucks riding on you and you clam up on me. I oughta strangle you!"
"Don't be a jerk," the parrot replied. "Just think of the odds you'll get more...

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied "Well, you know... math always was a little hard more...

Mel Gibson's movie "Apocalypto" was No. 1 at the weekend box office, despite Mel’s drunk driving arrest and anti-Semitic rant and even though it’s not in English, has no big stars and includes beheadings. Usually films from anti-Semites that are not in English, have no big stars and include beheadings are only on al-Jazeera.

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in

England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,".. yeah.

That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to more...