English Jokes / Recent Jokes

Let's face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet more...

There was an english man, an irish man and a scottish man, all on a plane. The plane crash landed on an island and the three of them escaped but were soon captured by cannibals.
"We shall let you live," Said the head of the cannibals, "if you each shove a peice of fruit up your ass without making a sound." The english man puts a plum up his ass, and screams in pain and is killed. The irish man has an apple half way up his ass when he starts laughing histerically.
In heaven the english man asks the irish man "why did you laugh? you could have lived!" and the irish man replies,
"I just saw that scottish dude coming back with a pineapple!"

An scots man a french man a pakistani man and an english man are sitting in the pub talking when the scots man picks up the bottle of whiskey on the table and throws it out of the window saying "we have so many of them in scotland i dont want to see another one" at hearing this the french man grabs the red rose from the vase on the table and exclaims "we too have so many roses that i to do not want to see one" the english man then gets to his feet and grabs the pakistanian man and throws him out the window shouting "we have so many of them in england i dont want to see another one".

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:"All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!"All at once, young Johnny's hand shot up." Miss! Miss!" called Johnny." Write it down, Johnny!" said the teacher.". .. But Miss! Miss! Miss!" Johnny intoned." I said write it down!" exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved." Miss! Miss!" called Johnny once more." Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?" "Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?" "No!" said the startled teacher." Then I have definitely shit myself!"

An irate father stormed into the principal's office. "I demand to know," he screamed, "why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination." "Now, don't get excited," said the principal. "We'll get your Winslow's English teacher in here. I'm sure she has some explanation." A few minutes later, the English teacher arrived. "Why did you give Winslow a zero on his English final?" demanded the father. "I had no choice," said the schoolmarm. "He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it." "That's no excuse," shouted the father. "You could have at least given him an' A' for neatness!"

Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
A: One is far more painful to your ears.