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International Travellers Bloopers
1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.
2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).
9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: more...
A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWSThe preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONTThe bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASSThis was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWNThe more...
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in….
P… E… N…. I… S…
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
As a man was about to enter a bar, a nun on the step outside accosted him.
"Young man, surely you don't intend to waste your hard-earned money on the devil's brew by entering this den of iniquity," scolded the nun. "Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children."
"Hold on, Sister," argued the man. "How can you form such a rash judgment and condemn alcohol so quickly, when you've never tasted it?"
"Very well, young man," the nun replied, "I will taste it, just to prove my point. Obviously, I'm not able to enter the bar, so why don't you bring me some whiskey. Oh, and in order to camouflage my intent, perhaps it would be best if you brought it in a cup, rather than a glass!"
Agreeing, the man entered the bar and said to the barkeep, "I'll have a large whiskey. Oh, and could you put it in a cup?"
"Good grief," exclaimed the bartender, "Sister Rose is outside again, more...
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected. He queries the first candidate:"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $150, 000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You may enter" says the Angel. Second candidate, same question. "I made $95, 000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn. "My annual salary was $8, 000." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what instrument did you play?"