Envelope Jokes / Recent Jokes

Earl won first prize at a Opening Day tournament which was an envelope. When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel. As he had never been to a brothel before but he decided to go the next day. The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room. Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked, "Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar more...

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing". Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the more...

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer, doctor and clergyman - at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25, 000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and clergyman each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10, 000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman’s sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only more...

April 15th is Tax Day in the USA. Here's some humor to help you through it.
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything'."
I just heard the most marvelous rumor of them all... that Form 1040 has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats!
A new arrival, about to enter a hospital, saw two white-coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and need to find a suitable stone."
Dear IRS,
I would like to cancel my more...

The New Manager Walks Into His Office And, While Settling Into His New Desk, Finds 4 Envelopes. On One He Finds The Words "Open Me First," And The Others Are Numbered One To Three.

He Opens The First Envelope And Finds A Letter From His Predecessor Saying: "These Three Envelopes Will Save You A World Of Trouble. In Case Of Emergency, Please Open These Envelopes In Sequential Order; Envelope One First, Envelope Two Second, And Envelope Three Third."

The Manager Shrugs, Puts The Envelopes Back, And Forgets About Them.

Six Months Later, The Workers Go On Strike. The Company Closes, And Is Losing Money Fast.

After A Long Night Negotiating With The Union, He Remembers The 3 Envelopes. So He Opens The First One And It Says: "Blame Me, Your Predecessor For Every Thing."

Wonderful Idea He Thinks, And Indeed It Works And The Crisis Comes To Its End. His Job Is Saved, And Everybody's Happy.

A Year more...

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."