Envelope Jokes / Recent Jokes

The
new manager walks into his office and, while settling
into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds
the words 'open me first,' and the other three are numbered
1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from
his predecessor saying:' These three envelopes will
save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency,
please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope
one first, envelope two second, and envelope three
third.'
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and
forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company
closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he
remembers the 3 envelopes. Shoe opens the first one
and it says: 'Blame me, your predecessor for everything'.
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and
the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and
everybody's happy.
A few month later, more...

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated. ”
“And what, ” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes? ”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, “Now you have everything. ”

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30, 000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20, 000 into the envelope because he needed $10, 000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10, 000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20, 000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30, 000."

A father passing by his son`s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I`m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I`ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it`s not only the passion, Dad. She`s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana cocaine doesn` t really hurt anyone. more...

Sometime after a man died, his widow, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"He thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Honey,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.'"
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful casket with such a comfortable lining that I know he is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged him a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her more...

1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
3. Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
4. If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
5. On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
6. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read more...

A CEO of a troubled company was relieved of his duties at the Board of Directors meeting. When he returned to his office to collect his personal belongings, his replacement was bringing in his first boxload. Not wanting it to be an uncomfortable moment, the former CEO spoke.

"I have nothing against you. This has been a terrible period in my life, and I only wish you the best," he said. "Before I go, let me give you three envelopes. If things start to become really tough, open the first one. After that, you will be fine for awhile, then when it gets tougher, open the second..."

The new CEO thanked his predecessor, finished moving in and began to organize himself. A few months went by, he had made no progress, and was called into a meeting with the Board of Directors. He decided it was time to open the first envelope.

Written on a piece of paper was the advice, "Blame conditions on your predecessor." The man went to the more...