Envelope Jokes / Recent Jokes

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED.
IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD". WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:
DEAR DAD,
IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU. I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS! ; SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.
BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY. EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.
BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA more...

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25, 000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10, 000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He more...

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.""And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90, 000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30, 000 within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10, 000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20, 000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20, 000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10, 000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw more...

Father, "When you go back to your Mom tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."
Daughter, "OK"
Later that night
Daughter, "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
Mother, "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a true story that happened at a wedding at Clemson. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests (for you rich folk, this is huge by middle class standards)

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it. Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail more...

I read in an AP newswire dated 10 September 1994 that Fred and Beverly Klatt, who got married in 1987, finally received their marriage license in the mail this week.
Fred said: "I'm sure glad to see that it's official now."
Beverly found the envelope on Wednesday, in an "Express Mail" envelope hanging on their door, postmarked June 10, 1987.
The Klatts claim they still have faith in the postal service, "but not like I used to, that's for sure."