Envelope Jokes / Recent Jokes
If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about
it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank
the bride's and groom's families for coming.
To thank everyone for coming and bring gifts and everything, he said he
wanted to give everyone a gift from him.So taped to the bottom of everyone's
chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told
them to open it.
Inside the manilla envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex
with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired
a private detective to trail them.) After he stood there and more...
What does an envelope say when you lick it? Nothing. It just shuts up.
Berlin - Just after WWII.
A young woman made the following report to the police. She had met a blind man at a rally. She claims that they hit it off pretty well and the blind man asked her for a favor, could she possibly deliver the letter to the address on the envelope? As it was on her way home, she agreed.
She started out to deliver the letter, but then turned around to ask the man a question. To her dismay, she spotted him hurrying through the crowd in the opposite direction - without his dark glasses or white cane.
Sensing something seriously dodgy, she went straight to the police, who raided the address on the envelope, where they found heaps of human flesh for sale.
What was in the envelope? A note which said "this is the last one I am sending you today." (The girl, that is...)
My friend Ozelui works in the Computer Center of the Campus of San Sebastian in the University of the Basque Country. And a Student wrote this in a file in the PC's Network that Ozelui found, and here it is: DIFFERENT WAYS OF TAKING CARE OF YOUR DISKS ------------------------------------------- ORIGAMI: Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive with strength and without pointing at all. SMOKE: Of cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking blow directly to your disk. In that way you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well. PIRANHAS: If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. MAGNETS: They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the fridge door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your more...
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can`t solve." Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes”
What did the envelope say to the stamp? "Stick with me and we'll go places."
There was a manager of a company who was ready to retire, so he began training his replacement. Just before he left for good, he took the replacement aside and told him that if he ever got really jammed up, he should look in the center drawer of his desk and he would find two envelopes. He told him to open envelope #1.
Well, time goes by and one day, a big project went bad and the new manager was in real trouble over it.
He remembered the drawer and the envelopes and went and got envelope #1 and opened it. Inside was a sheet of paper with just two words on it---"Blame me!"
A few months later, the new manager again found himself in hot water and remembered that there was an envelope #2. He went and opened that one and found another note. This one read, "Go get two envelopes".