Especially Jokes / Recent Jokes

This bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar".
The bear bangs on the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars".
The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars and bash barmaids".
The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar,
especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen".
In exasperation, the bear bites the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve bears who are on drugs".
The bear says "On drugs?"
The barman says "Yes - I saw the bar-bit-u-ate"

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.
The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time."
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on more...

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time."The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and more...

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're likely to survive any more...

It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.
Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.
Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the United States Marine Corps.
Oral sex is a great way to firm more...