Eternity Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or ou t." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with more...
A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained
that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.
SP: "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend the rest
of eternity?"
Flea: "Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the rest of
eternity on the back of a rich lady's dog."
SP: "So be it, it's done."
A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.
SP: "Flea, how are you doing?"
Flea: "Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog
two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have a
headache from the smell."
SP: "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice on
how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy.
Have you thought about what else you might like to do?"
Flea: "Oh yes more...
One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly more...
One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself."Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.""Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman."Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell. When the doors opened, much to her more...
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack? ”
St. Peter says: “Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have more...
Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.
They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape,
Eva applies another iron.
"I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else."
Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."
Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.
Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more.
"I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better."
Satan takes Bill to the last door.
Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex.
Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me."
Satan smirks and says more...
Joe and his two friends freinds accidentally die in a car wreck and go to Heaven. They see and angel and she tells them that they can do anything they want but warns them not to step on the pink clouds.
So one day, one of Joe's friends goes and steps on the pink cloud, and a really ugly gal pops up and says, "I have to follow you for the rest of eternity."
Joe's other friend, assuming that the ugly gal is out of the way, steps on a pink cloud, and once again a really ugly gal pops up and tells him you have she has to follow him for the rest of eternity.
One day, Joe's two freinds are walking around and they see you with a really hot gal, so they run up to you and the say, "Hey man! How did you get this really hot gal?"
She turns around and says, "I stepped on a pink cloud."