Eternity Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident. They were all sent to heaven.

At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."

The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter stepped back almost falling over.

"QUACK!"

She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven.

The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend.

As fate would have it the second teen stepped on a duck also.

She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven.

The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for more...

A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him.
God replied, "Oh, about one penny."
Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him.
God replied, "Oh, about a second."
Then the man asked. "Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?"
God replied, "Sure, just wait a sec."

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes at a four way stop.

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven, ” said St Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a human resources director make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you. ” “No problem, just let me in, ” said the woman. “Well, I’d like to, ” replied St Peter, “but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in. ” “Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven, ” said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was fatally stuck by a bus. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was greated at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, oddly enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not quite sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an express elevator to hell.

The doors more...

What do you call an eternity? Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop. Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went home. What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but never see them. What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios? Oh,look, Daddy....doughnut seeds! Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. Why can't blondes dial 911? They can't find the 11 on the phone. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth! How can you tell if a blonde's been using your computer? There is white-out all over the more...

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.

They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape,
Eva applies another iron.
"I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else."

Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."
Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.
Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more.
"I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better."

Satan takes Bill to the last door.
Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex.

Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for more...