Eternity Jokes / Recent Jokes
George W Bush dies and finally goes down to hell.
Satan is already there waiting for him, with the speech about an eternity of torment and pain, when Bush suddenly turns and says,-hey, cant we come to an agreement? Can we make a deal of some sort for me not to be in as much pain for all eternity?-
So Satan thinks for a bit, and then says -Ok, theres something we can do. Here are 3 doors, behind each of which is a former president of the United States. Now one person there has to leave hell, and you will have to replace the person you choose.-
-Fair enough,- says Bush.
So Satan opens the 1st door and in it is George Washington getting all his teeth kicked out only for them to grow back and get kicked out again.
Bush turns and says, -no, thats too painful-
So Satan opens the 2nd door and Abraham Lincoln is there being tortured by african slaves who he had work on his plantations, and Bush says -no, lets see the last one-
Behind the third door, Bill Clinton, more...
A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love."How awful !" exclaimed the wife."Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.
A man died and was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of torment - the rack that was to stretch him in agony forever? he passed a side-room where a lawyer was being intimately entertained by a beautiful young woman. She was pandering to his every whim. "This is unfair," said the dead man. "Why have I got to spend eternity stretched on a rack among flames while that lawyer spends all eternity with that beautiful woman?"
The Devil prodded him with hispitchfork. "Silence!" he snarled. "Who are you to question that woman? s punishment?"
A highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. She arrived in heaven where she was met by God.
"Welcome to heaven," said God. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. Strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem God, just let me in." said the woman.
God replied, "What we're going to do is let you spend a day in hell and a day in heaven and then you can choose where you want to spend an eternity."
God put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran more...
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 34", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7 tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the re st of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now more...
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.
"I''ll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice.
"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan''s loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he''d ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you''ll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.
When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.
"Yes, I more...