Evil Jokes / Recent Jokes
Rules of Hollywood
1. Two persons never share the same name. There are plenty of names to go around for everybody, even if it means you have to assume a name like Dharma, Baby, Clark, or Chandler.
2. If you're an expert at martial arts, one single kick can hit your opponent four or five times.
3. If a police car is in sight, you should move away quickly, because it will be blown into pieces or crash.
4. Police officers in uniform are disposable items.
5. If you find yourself in a critical situation, Plan A never works. Nor does plan B. However, the least likely to work Plan E or Plan F, will work.
6. If you should face an army with trained soldiers, don't worry. They are all very bad shooters, and will make visible easy targets with no intention to seek cover.
7. If you are the first one in your party being chased by something/someone evil, you are likely to bite the dust. If, in this case, you are a girl, you will fall over at least once. If you are a guy more...
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished topurchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for atelevision set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked." No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so Ifigured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450? my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming."I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, "All My Modems. more...
Don't even fucking say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.
I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. The whole fuck.
The can said it had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they don't fucking tell you...
Except in tiny print you cant read without a fucking electron microscope
...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."
Oh yeah. I'm not even kidding.
So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not laundry or dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded more...