Exactly Jokes / Recent Jokes
The congregation of a certain Presbyterian church took pride in their pastor's brief, to the point sermons.
For years he preached for exactly 15 minutes, briefly prayed, then launched into the final hymn. One Sunday, however, he preached for 45 minutes. He suddenly stopped, reddened a bit, bowed his head and gave the final prayer. When he got home, his wife lit into him.
She asked, "What on earth happened this morning?"
Chagrin all over his face, the preacher explained, "I usually put a cough drop under my tongue just before I begin to speak. When it has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, I discovered too late that I put my collar button under my tongue."
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.""Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed."Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.She jumped up and slapped him silly.He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.""Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in
the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other
drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?
No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an
hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer,
trying to
contain more...