Exactly Jokes / Recent Jokes
1) On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things. 2) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 3) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals! 4) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? 5) If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? 6) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks? 7) Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, more...
A woman comes in to the church for her confessions.
she tells the priest that she was fooling around with a guy in the back pew during mass on sunday.
He says what happened
she says first he started to touch me all over.
He says like this and she says yes just like that!
Then he says what happened next and she says then we started to make out and he says like this. yes exactly like that!
Then he says what happened next and she says he started to hump me. He says like this. yes exactly like that.
Then she says that i found out bad news, he says what happened,
she says i found out that he had Aids
and the priest screamed fuck!!!
A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ass!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her. ”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! ” she screamed.
“Funny, ” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her. ”
Grandaughter informed grandma that she has just found her first boyfriend and they have a date on the next Saterday.Grandma said "on this first date your boyfriend is going to kiss you and you are going to like it, thereafter he is going to fondle your breast and you are going to like it, the emotions will rise very fast and he may end up on top of you doing exactly what you must never do because you will disgrace our family.Listen my child never ever agree that this boy must disgrace our family.Grandaughter agreed and made a concrete promise that things will never be alowed to go that far.Back from the date Grandaughter explained to grandma that everything went exactly as she predicted but when the time came that the boy must be on top, she just flipped him over and she got on top to disgrace his family. Grandma fainted.