Example Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
3. You use “fix” as a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store
4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.
5. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both
unlocked.
6. You know what a “VOL” is.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car…for your OWN car.
11. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday
12. You find 100 degrees fahrenheit “a little warm”.
13. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer
and
Christmas.
14. You know whether another Tennessean is from east, west or middle
Tennessee as soon as they open their mouth.
15. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as”goin’ Wal-
martin” or
off to “Wally more...

"Today class," the teacher said, "we will be studying words that have three syllables. Which of you would care to give an example?"
Little Johnny immediately threw his hand up in the air, "Me, Miss Smith, please pick me."
"Ok, Johnny, let's hear your example of a three syllable word," said Miss Smith.
"How about... masturbate?" said Johnny.
"My goodness, very good Johnny. That's a mouthful," exclaimed Miss Smith.
"Oh no, Miss Smith," replied Johnny. "You're thinking about a blow job."

A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:
Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.
Son: What do you mean, Dad?
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"
S: What do other women say?
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."
S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
F: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and more...

This wonderful example of international humor was posted on the listserv list INDIA-D:
By the way, for we people (from India) who were born and brought up in the wrong side of the world, doing things in the wrong way has become a way of life.
For example,
In India we drive on the wrong side of the road. Even the cars we produce or drive have steering wheels on the wrong side.
We pronounce 'Z' as "Jed" instead of "Zee".
We meekly accepted MKS (Meter, Kilogram, Second) system like the rest of the world while America proudly stuck to the FPS system.
We use Lakhs & Crores while they use millions & billions.
We dumbly use Celsius while they use Fahrenheit (Cool!).
We play football only using foot. (How restricting! We lack imagination...)
In restaurants we ask for a bill and pay it with a cheque unlike here where they ask for check and pay it with a bill (Dollar bill).
I never realised '#' was the right symbol for pound instead of more...

Bill Clinton has endorsed the idea of “reaching out” and “dialoguing” with Iran and Syria to “get a regional solution” to the Iraq problem.
This is not how you get people, or countries, to behave. Do we really need to employ the schoolyard bully example yet again, and remind folks that only after you kick his ass does a guy become your best friend?
Just look at the Japanese: we nuked their butts and now all they want to do is make money and snap pictures at Disneyland. And hey, they still get to oppress their women. This is a great example to the Muslim world: you can Westernize and still keep the bitches down.

All wax and no wick.
Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always loses battles of wits because he’s unarmed.
Always needs to have jokes explained.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
An Apple //e on UUCP.
An early example of the Peter Principle.
An ego like a black hole.
An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
An inch short and a stroke early.

Two guys who wanted to get a job at a computer company way out west decided they'd better get a college education so they could interact with intelligent people, learn to read books, think, and be contributing citizens of the global village.
They enrolled in the local junior college, and the first guy went in to see his advisor, who said, "Randy, I want you to take history, math, and logic."
"What's logic?" asked Randy.
"Well," said the professor, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Why, yes, I do," replied Randy.
"OK," continued the professor, "logic tells me that you have a yard!"
"Amazing," gushed the young rube.
"And," continued the professor, "since you have a yard, logic tells me that you have a house."
"I do! I do!" exclaimed the boy.
"And," continued the professor, "if you have a house, you more...