Excellent Jokes / Recent Jokes

The manager of a ladies' dress shop decided it was time to have a serious talk with one of her sales clerks. "Janet, your figures are well below any of our other sales clerks'. I'm sorry to say that unless you can improve your record soon, we will have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," Janet humbly replied. "Is there any advice you could give me on how to do better?"
"There is an older trick I can tell you about," the manager said. "It may sound silly, but it has worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it and work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate. You'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Janet's sales figures improved, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
"Yes," Janet nodded. "It more...

A highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. She arrived in heaven where she was met by God.

"Welcome to heaven," said God. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. Strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem God, just let me in." said the woman.

God replied, "What we're going to do is let you spend a day in hell and a day in heaven and then you can choose where you want to spend an eternity."

God put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran more...

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

Include your children when baking cookies!
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven, ” said St Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a human resources director make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you. ” “No problem, just let me in, ” said the woman. “Well, I’d like to, ” replied St Peter, “but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in. ” “Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven, ” said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was fatally stuck by a bus. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was greated at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, oddly enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not quite sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an express elevator to hell.

The doors more...

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him. One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars". All of the kids called out their guesses. One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country." "That's excellent" said the teacher. Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves." "That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite. One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France." Another excellent choice said the teacher. Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand. nSo the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who more...