Except Jokes / Recent Jokes
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.One morning he looks into the mirror and admires hisbody. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decies to do something about it.He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himselfin the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and onelooks down and says "There is no justice in this world".The other lady says "What do you mean?"The first lady says "Look at that".When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.When I was 20, I was curious about it.When I was 30, I enjoyed it.When I was 40, I asked for it.When I was 50, I paid for it.When I was 60, I prayed for it.When I was 70, I forgot about it.And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild
One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said' Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!'....
I guess I'm the first one here!"
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them. DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc. DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing. Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up. OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers more...
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister..."Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except one fellow near the back.
"Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.
"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well meaning passenger.
So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat.
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility."The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister... "Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except fellow near the back. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked."Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger."Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well meaning passenger.So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." Who said "Give me Liberty,or give me death?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "who said' Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she more...