Exclusive Jokes

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"

Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said "Hell, I'm no actor, and I've got thirty movies to prove it!"

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

There are three faithful friends--an old wife, an old dog and ready money.

The other day I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One of them says to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets!"

They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that. How many of your friends have you neutered?

I went to an exclusive kennel club. It was very exclusive. There was a sign out front: "No Dogs Allowed."

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

I have a great dog. She's half Lab, half pit bull. A good combination. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she'll bring it back to me.

A man knocks on the door of an exclusive brothel.
Through a small window in the door, the madam says, "What can I do for you, sir?"
"I'd like to get screwed," he answered.
"This is an exclusive club. To join, you must slip a hundred dollars under the door."
The man does so, but the door doesn't open. The madam appears again.
The man says, "Hey, I'd like to get screwed."
The madam says, "What, again?"

VATICAN CITY (AP) - In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's more...