Excuse Jokes / Recent Jokes

A friend of mine worked as a State Highway patrolman in Wyoming for several
years. Whenever he pulled someone over for speeding, he would always ask
them why they were exceeding the speed limit. If the excuse was original,
he would usually let them off with a warning. He said the best excuse he
ever got was the following:
Him: "So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55 zone?"
Driver: "Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes
and I want to be there when it happens."

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks “I can outrun this guy, ” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures “what the heck, ” and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go. ”
The man thought for a moment and said… “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me! ”

And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these
compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers,
and teachers:
"This paper needs a few comas."
"When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a
urinal."
"We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee."
"You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal."
"It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from
nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage."
"At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last
year."
"Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife,
an exotic U-shaped structure."
"LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed."
"Winners at the card party were William more...

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February…!

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn it to stop ourselves from freezing

Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don’t know, they haven’t taught us how to read yet!

Where did knights learn to kill dragons?
At knight school!