"Thank Heavens for Schools" joke

And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these
compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers,
and teachers:
"This paper needs a few comas."
"When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a
urinal."
"We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee."
"You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal."
"It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from
nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage."
"At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last
year."
"Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife,
an exotic U-shaped structure."
"LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed."
"Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy
Baker, a chicken."
"Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping
cranes in his chest."
"Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection."
"Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying
the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests."
"Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will
have an appointment with the orinthologist."
"Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week,
as she had a case of the fool."
Steven C. Neighorn
Portland Public Schools