Excuse Jokes / Recent Jokes
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says,' 'Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?'' Then the lady answered,' 'Excuse me, I think this is a goose.'' And the bartender says,' 'Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a US Air flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.
Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"
The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake - I'm Gay!"
Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! more...
The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her protection.Dear Diary,Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot. It's mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10 spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking.Then there is the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors. Our cars will be immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six-figure salary.At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.Six more...
A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything, except office.
Emperor Akbar was bending down to pick up a couple of coins that had dropped from his pockets when Birbal tiptoed behind him and administered a harmless tap on the royal behind. The king leaped up, and when he came down was in such a rage that he ordered Birbal's execution. When he calmed down slightly, however, he announced that Birbal would be given his freedom if he could come up with an excuse more outrageous than the original act.
Birbal promptly said, "As a matter of fact, I didn't know it was you - I thought it was the Queen."
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 and Dec. 25. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through more...
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.