Excuse Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease, says the waiter. The Texan says, Whats a shortage? The Russian says, Whats a steak? The New Yorker says, Whats excuse me?

Some of the more interesting excuses seen in the principal’s office.
Unedited.
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1– MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR’S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2– PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT
3– DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC’s JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31, 32
AND ALSO 33.
4–PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5–PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P. E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A
TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6–JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7–CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT
IN THE GROWING PART.
8–MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY
CLOSE VEINS.
9–CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10–PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE more...

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people, "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

All the poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets, "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans, "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis, "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a more...