Exercise Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
3. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M. D.
5. Your children begin to look middle aged.
6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
8. You look forward to a dull evening.
9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
14. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
15. Your back goes out more than you do.
17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
18. The more...

"I went to the gym and spent five minutes on the Stair Master," Moe said to Joe. "Then I went home and spent an hour on the Couch Master."

"I know what you mean," replied Joe. "These days, the only exercise I get is letting my imagination run wild."

Three mice were trying to get some exercise. Since the wheel in their cage was broken, they decided to head to the bathroom and do some swimming.
The first mouse decided to take a swim in the sink. When he got back, he commented to the other mice, "My swim wasn't particularly enjoyable. The water was much too shallow and the distance from shore to shore was far too short."
The second mouse took his swim in the bathtub. When he returned, he was jumping up and down with excitement. "My swim in the tub was wonderful," he said. "I had plenty of room to swim, the water was warm and I could make it as deep as I wanted."
Not to be outdone, the third mouse went swimming in the toilet. When he returned, he was breathing hard. "I'll never do that again, that's for sure," he muttered.
"Why? What happened?" the other mice asked.
Still struggling to catch his breath, the third mouse explained, "I was having a great time, more...

Q: I'm 65 years old. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. .. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is. 2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. 6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. 10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and more...

I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis.