Experience Jokes / Recent Jokes
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I`m married with 9 children. I don`t require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don`t let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I`m a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I`ve made money and lost money. I`ve been rich and I`ve been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don`t misconstrue my 14 jobs as `job-hopping`. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They more...
Heard on FM-99 WNOR in Hampton, VA on 5/21/91:
(DJ Henry "The Bull" Del Toro was imitating an old man talking about his
younger years...)
I had a near death experience. I was driving home one night with my
fourth wife and two couples we were friendly with. All of a sudden,
the car flips over and we're all standin' at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter
looks at one of the couples I was with and says to the man, "You're so
cheap, you married a woman named Penny. Go to Hell!" St. Peter then
looks at the next couple we were with and says to the man, "Why, you're
such a boozer, you married a woman named Brandy. Go to Hell!" So I
says to my wife, "Come on, Fanny, we're out of here!"
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as' job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They more...
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on more...
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting more...
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.