Experience Jokes / Recent Jokes

Heres a little clarification of corporate lingo.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you+-

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:

We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:

If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:

Weve more...

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!!
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either - leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize more...

Here’ s a little clarification of corporate lingo. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you+- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’ t pay enough to expect that you’ ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ ll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON: If you’ re old, fat or ugly you’ ll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We’ ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ ll need it to replace three people who just more...

First Time
________________________________
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put
him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed
as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head
bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has
found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body
enses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply
within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many
times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give
him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to
hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little
pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the
tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the
slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks more...

Areas of Effectiveness: I am very Effective at sittin' on my ass and directin'a dumbass at gettin'work done that I don't wanna do. I can drink beer with the best beer drinkers And if I have a few to many I can find the best places to sleep it off. I am very good at bitchin' when things don't go my way or I don't feel like doin' nothin'.
Seminars/coarsework:I have taken classes on how to get rich without doin'nothin' but quit cause it took to much work and I got a headache.
Licenses: Yep...I got one...whoopee
Objectives: to get a job with a company that don't make me work to hard and pays me alot of money so I can buy more beer.
Education: Been to the school of hard Knocks and learned not to take any s#it off of anybody.
Awards Received: I got an award from the Navy it is called a bad conduct discharge award.
Interests and Activities: I like drinking beer and chasin' women.
Languages: I speak english perty good.
Work Experience: I can do pert more...