Experience Jokes / Recent Jokes

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.
His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years."
"Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retored, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years!"

Definitions for assistant professors:
Academic Freedom:
being free to work any sixty hours of the week one likes.
Weekend:
those days on which one need neither dress well nor wash one's hair before coming to work.
Faculty Lounge:
one's office floor at 2:00 am.
Grade:
Your evaluation of a student's performance, based on your experience as a professional educator. You are allowed only to issue a single capital letter as your evalution. You must sign the submission of the grade, but it is a private record that you cannot disseminate. The student has recourse to several levels of appeal, as well as to legal action, if he or she feels the grade is inappropriate.
Student Teaching Evaluation:
A student's evaluation of your performance, based on his or her experience as a nineteen-year-old. The student can write whatever he or she likes. The student submits this evaluation anonymously, but it becomes a public document. You have absolutely no power to more...

These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I`m married with 9 children. I don`t require prescription drugs."
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don`t let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I`m a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I`ve made money and lost money. I`ve been rich and I`ve been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don`t misconstrue my 14 jobs as `job-hopping`. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by more...

A young French city slicker decides to have some exotic experience and enlists himself in the Foreign Legion. Two months later he's sent to the most remote fort in the middle of the Sahara.
The first month is fun, with all the training. Of course, now he's concerned about the lack of women around the fort... He decides to ask one of the local how they manage with it.
"Hey, Mustapha! Stop shining your boots and tell me how you can get a good fuck around here."
"No problem to fuck... just use the camel!"
"What!! Maybe that's good for you but I need a real woman, you pile of shit..."
"Maybe you're upset but no other way to get a fuck around here..."
Of course the guy turns around and ends up waiting one more month before he gets to the point where he could fuck anything. He goes back to Mustapha, still shining his boots.
"OK, Mustapha, how do you REALLY get a fuck around here?" "
I told you... more...

The other day I saw a' 'Honk if you love Jesus'' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,' 'For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!!'' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times more...

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6. 0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to more...

/* GCFL wishes all our readers a Merry Christmas! */
When I was a child of about twelve years old, we had a Christmas that I have never forgotten. We grew up in humble means to say the least, but we generally always had one or two gifts under the tree even if they were only socks and underwear.
During this particular Christmas, by good fortune we had many gifts. For the first time in a long time, we received a lot of the things we actually wanted. I was one of seven children, so this was a very big deal. We were all so excited and could hardly wait until Christmas morning.
However, on that Christmas Eve, after careful reflection and much heated discussion, my father decided that it was much too much, and that in this frenzy that we had lost the true meaning of Christmas.
With much trepidation, we were instructed to hand over all but one of our unopened gifts. There was some crying, some anger, some shock and disbelief. What happened next truly astounded us. My father more...