Explain Jokes / Recent Jokes

Calling in Sick... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am more...

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence
that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband
from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening,
she flipped on the lamp, only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years?!"
"Honey! Let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted,
"Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"

TO: ALL PERSONNELFROM: ACCOUNTING It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, AccountingAttached: Extended Job-Code ListCode and Explanation5316 Useless Meeting5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting5319 Waiting for Break5320 Waiting for Lunch5321 Waiting for End of Day5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While more...

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________ HEIGHT________ WEIGHT__________ IQ________ GPA__________ SOCIAL SECURITY #________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________ HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE__________ ZIP_____ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________ If NO, please explain ____________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married _______________________________ If less than your age, explain _______________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ Do you own a van? _______________ A truck with oversized tires? _______________ A waterbed? _______________ A pickup with a more...

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first" she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy works in a topless bar!"
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But, how can I explain that to a seven-year-old?"

There was a brunnette and a redhead sitting next to each other at a baseball game. The brunette says "
Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
Blonde replies "
Sure, but i want to warn you, theres a 6"
11 500lb blonde beside you, a 6"
5 600lb beside me, and a bunch more in front of us"
. Brunette replies "
Maby your right, I dont think i should explain it too many times, because, its only funny the first time, so telling it to the blondes would be spoiling the joke!

Billy's Letters
The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column: Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire - you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP!
We should have put our foot down right there, more...