Express Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following is from the British paper, the Sunday Express, giving awards for dubious distinctions.
Tortoise Trophy - To British Rail, which solved the problem of lateness in the Intercity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
Rubber Cushion - To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
Flying Cross - To Percy the pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, a 90-minute delay resulting from finding his ID tag and handing it to officials, relegated Percy from first place to third.
Silver Bullet - To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhangiung rock, and was instantly killed when it fell on him.
Crimewatch Cup
Gold Star - To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. more...

How did skeletons send each other letters in the days of the Wild West?
By Bony Express.

Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.

Our sardar, one day is at the railway ation. He asks one man "when will rajdhani express go from here"? man replies 10. 10. "when will punjab express go from here"? man replies 10. 10. "when will deccan queen go from here"? man replies 10. 20. Thus the sardar goes on asking for all the trains. Now the man gets fed up and asks whether he wants to go to punjab by train or not. sardar replies, "no. I only want to cross the tracks!"

Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike.