Facts Jokes / Recent Jokes

Justice, American Style
The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show "Politically Incorrect," between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers:
Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?
Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?
Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?
Leslie: I don't remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely don't know anything about the trial.
Bill: I knew they blew their parents' heads off.
Leslie: No, they didn't. They didn't blow their parents heads off.
Bill: The Menendez kids didn't blow their parents heads off?
Leslie: No!
Bill: What did they do?
Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant.

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of lovemaking:

Father: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sexact, even if you are doing the same thing.

Son: What do you mean, Dad?

Father: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

Son: What do other women say?

Father: Well, a schoolteacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

Son: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

Father: That's a male nurse. But let's move on, a bankteller will say, "Substantial penalty more...

Facts about Americans. Did you know that. . . Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. 67. 5% of men were tightie whities (briefs). 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up tohigher denominations. 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework. 91% of us lie regularly. 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the highprices of snack foods. 90% believe in divine retribution. 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. 82% believe in an afterlife. 45% believe in ghosts. 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. 58. 4% have called into work sick when we weren't. 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. Over more...

25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless. 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 9. The more...

Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty reasoning.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work. A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't more...