Failing Jokes

Santa on Trial
You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:
Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole
Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go
Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees
You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year
Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly
Failing to file a flight plan for your travels
Failing to equip your more...

REDMOND, WASHINGTON - In an effort to dispell confusion surrounding Microsoft's upcoming new version of Windows, Microsoft annouced today that it would rename the upgrade - formerly known as Windows 95 - to WinEver.
"There seemed to be a great deal of anxiety about when the product would ship. We felt it was in the best interest of our users to free them from this anxiety," said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain anonymous.
Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision. "WinEver will free Windows users from space and time constraints. It also gives Windows a new timeless quality", said a member of Ziff-Davis Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why OS/2 is failing in the marketplace - they have failed to deliver a strategy for their product."
When asked when WinEver would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson said "Whenever." The spokesperson added "It really doesn't matter since WinEver is more...

Coach Walker enters the locker room and eyes one of his players. "Son, I hate to do this to you. I realize that you're the star of the team, but you're failing your classes and I can't let you play." "Give me a break, coach!" pleads the jock. "I'll tell you what - I'll ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play... what is two plus two?" The jock counts on his fingers, "one, two, three,... The answer must be four!" "Did you say four?" asks the excited coach. "Sure did, Coach!" As the coach starts to jump and scream in excitement, the other members of the team can be heard begging, "Gee, come on coach, give him another chance!"

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

A College football team was on a winning streak, until they found out that their star QB was failing English. The QB couldn't play until he brought his grade up to a C. The other players on the team were desperate for him to play in the championship, so they asked his English professor for extra credit. He agreed and called in the QB. The professor said: "I will give you a simple spelling test and if you pass, I will raise your grade. In fact if you get one word right, I will raise the grade." So the QB takes the test and gets every single word wrong. He begged the professor for one more chance. The professor agreed and told him that if he could get one letter in the word that was given to him right, he would have a C in English. The word was coffee. The football player responded, "This is easy, kauphy!"