Fair Jokes / Recent Jokes

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane". Every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs". So Stumpy says, "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go".Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars".They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing... so fair is fair and he lands.He turns to more...

What is the all time favorite Broadway musical in Dogland?
My Fair Laddie!
What dog loves to take bubble baths?
A shampoodle!
What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
Wire-haired terriers, of course?
What terrier is like the little engine that could?
I think, a cairn!
What dog is always good for a laugh?
A Chihua-ha!
Which dog sets a furious pace?
The rushin' (Russian) wolfhound!
What dog is disliked by many?
The Doberman, because it's a pinscher!
Which dog is as warm as a blanket?
An Afghan!
Which dogs speak?
"Herd" dogs!
What dog stands the best chance of winning the heavyweight title?
A Boxer, of course!

While visiting the livestock exhibit at a county fair with her husband, the overbearing wife asked one of the bull breeders how many times a week his animals performed their stud function.
"Oh, about four or five times," replied the owner.
Turning to her husband with a scornful look, she said, "You see, four or five times a week is not unusual among champions."
Realizing that he had contributed to the woman's abuse of her husband, the breeder quickly added, "Of course, we never use the same cow twice."

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.
Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you more...

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there". The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against more...

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready + when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is more...

My dad had an accountant who every time the company had to package plans to send to a client would ask the messenger to "Fack it up well, okay?" While shopping at SM Megamall, a saleslady was helping me choose an appropriate gift to buy and I happened to be looking at a nice nightdress. The saleslady said, "Fair yan." Puzzled, I asked, "Fair?" And she replied, "Oo, they come in fairs!" A Filipino was arrested in San Francisco for illegal parking. He was incensed. He said to the police, "Why you give me a facking ticket? I only facked here por payb minutes!" In response to the question, "How often do you smoke?", the Filipino answered, "Two facks a day."