Family Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.11. Dinner Special - Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.0012. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.15. For sale. Three more...

At a family gathering, husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her husband, "when I get my way, that's a compromise." "What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask. She replied, "That's a miracle!"

A father fresh from another irrational court ruling comes into a bar. Angrily he shouts "I think all family court judges are assholes!!"

A slurred response from the back of the bar is heard: "I resent that!"

The father peers into the back and asks "Why, are you a family court judge?"

"No," the voice slurs, "I'm an asshole."

Aries

The Ram. Their farts are "Built Ram Tough". They may feel like Curly-Qs coming out of their asses because their farts mimic the curves of a ram's horns. They, the farts, sometimes like to butt heads with other farts. Since people born under the sign of Aries show strong leadership and like to get things started, they are always the first ones to fart while around other people. Their farts tend to be loud since they are energetic. Do you like to hear robust farts? Too shy to be the first one to fart? Get with an Aries.

Taurus

The Bull. Their farts can be very stubborn, and once released, they can stink up a space with power for very long periods of time-longer than average. Their farts just don't want to go away. Their farts can even be kinda sharp and hurt their *******s when they come out, because they are big and mimic the sharp horns of the bull. Since Taurus people love sensual pleasures, they must take care not to over-indulge and more...

At the airport for a family holiday, a man and his family settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then they heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

The man and his family picked up their luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told them that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again they gathered their carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as they were settling down, the public address voice spoke again:

"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his minivan.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video more...

What's the difference between God and a family court judge?

God does not think he is a family court judge.