Family Jokes / Recent Jokes

· How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code! · Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
He had a bee in his suit of armour! · Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrian’s Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it`s around Hadrian`s garden miss! · Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights! · What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels! · Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?
Must have been a duck family
A duck family?
Didn`t you say there was a quack in it!

1. You attempt to enter your password on the microwave.
2. It's been years since you've played solitaire with a real deck of cards.
3. You email your son in his room to tell him dinner is ready. He emails back and asks, "What's for dinner?"
4. You chat several times a day with a stranger in South Africa, yet you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor so far this year.
5. You refer to your dining room table as 'that flat filing cabinet'.
6. Your idea of being organized is multi-colored post-it notes.
7. You hear most of your jokes via email rather than in person.
8. The concept of using real money, rather than credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
9. You buy a computer and a week later it's outdated and sells for half the price you paid.
10. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
12. Your reasoning for not staying in touch more...

Dear friends:
Thought you'd like to hear the latest from our family. Well, here goes.
We've all been flossing regularly.
The newspaper landed in the bushes twice, but we got it out, thank goodness dad has those long arms.
They put a new gas station on the corner. It's the self-serve kind so there's been a lot of talk around town about it.
The other night we took the whole family to the pancake house for dinner. We all had pancakes except for mom. She had a waffle. She's a free spirt, you know.
We're saving up to buy a goldfish and can hardly wait. Pets are very exciting. And if not, you can flush them down the toliet.
Our kid finished his milk today. No one noticed we're using margarine instead of butter.
It's pretty cloudy here. Sometimes we watch tv. Other times we don't.
We may go shopping this weekend at the mall. There are forty-one stores there. So far we've been to twenty-eight. Thirteen to go. Unless they build more. They probably more...

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to
say. "Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This
is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains
are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the
men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But
the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in
price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually
been used."

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!"

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup! ”

This is a weird but true story (with a moral). .. A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds:' What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start more...