Fancy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more more...

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.
After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.
He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch." "Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically." "Rubbish, you're having me on," says the girl. "No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on." The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on." "Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on." "Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!" bar, drinking
A Day At The Races "A man is sitting at his kitchen table reading a newspaper.
His wife more...

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party?
Freeze a jolly fellow!
What party game did Jekyll like best?
Hyde and Seek!
Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone?
A dog ate him in the hall!
What would you do if you saw Dracula, Frankenstein & The Swamp Thing?
Hope they were going as a fancy dress party!
Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball?
It was a moth ball!
How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?
Chick to chick!
Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party?
It was a scream!
Did you hear about the party with lots of fireworks, balloons & crackers?
It went with a bang!
What did Dracula say at the Christmas party?
Fancy a bite?
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?
He had no body to go with!

A successful, wealthy and very arrogant bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day. The lawyer got out of his BMW and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault...
"YOU STUPID REDNECK!" shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls.
"Now how am I gonna get outa this?" though the redneck to himself. Then he had an idea...
After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.
He handed it to the hotshot and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your nerves....IT'S more...

(or will I ever forgive myself?)

They say that the louder you groan at a pun, the better it is and the more jealous you are. My hand is cupped to my ear and I'm listening...

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says,' We don't serve mushrooms here.' The mushroom says,' Why?! I'm a fun guy!'

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:' I'm lookin' for the man who shot my more...