"Puns (Will you ever forgive me?)" joke

(or will I ever forgive myself?)

They say that the louder you groan at a pun, the better it is and the more jealous you are. My hand is cupped to my ear and I'm listening...

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says,' We don't serve mushrooms here.' The mushroom says,' Why?! I'm a fun guy!'

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:' I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw.'

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,' I'll just have the eggs benedict.' His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter,' Whats with the fancy plate?' The waiter replies,' There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!'

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because' Da oily boid gets da woim.'

When she told me I was average she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender,' How much for a beer?' The bartender replies,' For you, no charge.'

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other,' Are you all right?'' No, I lost an electron!'' Are you sure?'' I'm positive!'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?

Linoleum blownapart.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.

It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?

Litre Vino.

A woman goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says:' Try a milk bath.'

She goes to the grocery clerk and asks for' enough milk to take a bath.'

The clerk asks:' Do you want it pasteurized?'

The woman says:' Nah. Up to my chin should do it.'

What's the difference between an angry circus owner and an Italian barber?

One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour-anything, that is except smoked salmon.

Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

Both crews were marooned.

Why did the maharishi refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?

One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

A scientist cloned herself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.