Far Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives. Without preamble the hookersays, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that'sfor a hand job." "$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the manexclaimed. " No hand job in the world could be worth $500!" The hookersummons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below. "See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I cando with my hands." Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 andsure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexualexperience of his life. After he recuperates he says to the hooker, "Godthat was fantastic!! How much for a blowjob?" "$2500," the hooker replied. "$2500 for a blowjob?" Cried the more...
In a far away middle eastern country, a brigade of American soldiers were stationed at a camp, outside of town. A new brigade commander comes over to take up command after the earlier one retires.
He asks the sargeant to take him around the camp, so he can familiarise himself. They go all around the camp and comes to closed shed. The commander inquires what's inside. The sergeant says there is a camel inside.
When the commander asks why the sergeant hesitates a bit and goes in to an explanation with a embarrassed face, "Well sir our men are far away from their wives and girlfriends, so when they don't do it for a long time it can get very frustrating, so we use the camel to.."
The commander bursts out furiously "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard, I command you to halt this immediately. We are a fighting unit, not a bunch of wild animals!" he yells and walks away steaming. Time goes by and the commander starts feeling more...
My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get." I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about." If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me! You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank)..... I want you to go find something for me to spank you with. Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate. What were you thinking more...
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."
"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and more...
BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKSDad's New Wife Timothy Pop! Goes the Hamster... and Other Great Microwave Games How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad The Tickling Babysitter Babar Meets the Taxidermist Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom's Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear When is Later? The Beanie Babies and the Putrid more...
Reasons why a normal Car is a far superior vehicle than a F1 Car
"Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG!!!!"
No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft!
No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.
No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to.
No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while.
No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand more...
Cunning Chinese scientists invented fireworks centuries before Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner. Their favorite little sparkler was a plunder-triggered land mine known as
"Underground Sky-Soaring Thunder." Anyone that plucked up the plunder got triggered sky high on a wave of thunder. Floating marine mines were invented by the Chinese in the 14th century, using inflated ox bladders. In this century they have cunningly invented marine "Smart" Mines too, mines smart enough to border on the brilliant.
Actually, they extend a little beyond the border. Chinese Smart Mines can tell the difference between Carriers and Love Boats. They can even spot the X in the plosion where the damage would be the most exasperating. That's pretty sophisticated for a government that pays people to cut grass with stainless steel scissors.
Smart Mines are dangerous even if they don't get loose into the open sea. Recent history tells us that more...