Far Jokes / Recent Jokes

How far do burgers go in school? Through cowlege (then they get their 450 degrees!).

You find yourself casually standing in a cat stance. You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church. You answer your boss Ussss. You put your hands together in a martial arts bow position (one hand open the other closed) after grace at the dinner table. You tie your bathrobe belt in a square knot. Then check to make sure the ends are exactly even. You accept change from the cashier using a perfect knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in. Every time you handle a screwdriver or razor knife, etc., you just can't help changing grip from hammer to reverse to flip over to dagger grip etc. And your shop help is standing cautiously far, far away from you. When you're outside doing landscaping/gardening you "practice" with all the neat weapons. The first word out of your parrot's mouth is KIAI! and you teach your cat how to free spar. You shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick. You shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them. The more...

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Mueller is first.
“What do you wish for yourself? ”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings. ”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you. ”
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mueller’s mother-in-law’s more...

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more...

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.
A rancher rode past.
“Say, friend”, called out one of the men, “how far is it to the next town? ”
“Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon, ” called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
“How far to the next town? ” the men asked him eagerly.
“Oh, a good two miles. ”
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. “Hey, how far’s the next town? ”
“Not far, ” was the encouraging answer, “only about two miles. ”
“Well, ” sighed the optimistic sergeant, “thank God, we’re holding our own, anyhow! ”

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom is the best piece of ass in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mother, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mother was squealing the whole time!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

The attorney strode confidently over to the witness. "Come now, Mr. Pendergast. It was nearly midnight, yet you say you saw my client strangle Mr. Pedigrew from nearly seven blocks away! Just how far can you see at night?"
Mr. Pedigrew shrugged. "I dunno. How far away is the moon?"