Farmhouse Jokes / Recent Jokes

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*… he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, “Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off…. ”
“Not so fast”, says she. “How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like? ”
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said “He looks like thts”as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
“Oh no, you *horrible* man”, she replied. “I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him? ”
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and more...

The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
10. Procreate at will
Religions of the world
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
Catholicism: If shit more...

A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.
"Don`t be scared, Susan," her husband said. "We are not hurt."
Susan continued to cry. "I`m not scared," she said between sobs. "I`m happy ˜cause this is the first time in 15 years we`ve been out together.

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines."Don't know," the woman said.He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them."This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

A cute, young blonde is driving through the country when her car breaks down. The only house within miles is a big, old farmhouse. She goes to the door and asks the farmer if she can use the phone. The auto club tells her that they can't come out to fix her car until the next day. She tells the farmer this, and he agrees to let her stay the night as long as she keeps away from his sons, Billy and Zeb, who are innocent in the ways of the world.
Later that night, she's getting all hot and bothered and she decides to visit the two strapping teenage farm boys down the hall. She sneaks into their room and offers to teach them about the facts of life.
"Huh?" is their response.
"Don't worry," she says, "you'll like this. But I'm not getting pregnant,
so I'll put these condoms on you."
She puts condoms on the two boys and says, "There, now I won't get pregnant."
They have a wild night. The next day, the auto club fixes her car more...

A farmer purchased an old, run-down; abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold, it's a completely different place. The farmhouse is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,' OK, old fart, time to retire.'

The old rooster replies,' come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says,' Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over.' The old rooster says' I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs,' You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is more...