Faster Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...behind him.
Walking faster he looks back and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing Quickly behind him...faster...faster. ..BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, Slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on the heals of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in Sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping Towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...but all he can find is a more...

THE DEAN

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR

Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian more...

The real interpretation of corportate titles: CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD: Leaps tall building in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Discusses policy with GodPRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if the sea is calm Talks with GodEXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if special request is approvedVICE PRESIDENT: Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occasionally addressed by GodGENERAL MANAGER: Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings Is run over by locomotive Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Dog paddles Talks to animalsMANAGER: Runs into more...

General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Colonel
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Lieutenant-Colonel
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.
Major
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by more...

Hard Disk Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. Windows Girls:
Everyone knows that she can`t do a thing right, but no one can live without her. Screensaver Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun! Internet Girls:
Difficult to access. Server Girls:
Always busy when you need her. Multimedia Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful. CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster. Email Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. Virus Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don`t try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives... SM: Sister Logical! Thank God more...

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a more...