Father Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green more...

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game; the optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of more...

A family had twin boys, but the only resemblance they shared was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other insisted it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other argued that the volume needed to be turned up. They were opposite in every way, one the eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Curious to see what would happen, on their birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every game and toy imaginable. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That evening the father passed by his pessimist son's room and found him surrounded by his new gifts, crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" asked the father.
"Because my friends are going to be jealous, I'm going to have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with all this stuff, I'm going to constantly need batteries and eventually, all my toys will get broken," moaned the pessimist twin.
As the father passed his optimist son's more...

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her more...

The priest was in a confessional when he heard someone entering the other side. He slid back the screen, but the confessor was silent. The priest said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," said the penitent at last. "I'm a seventy-two year old man, and I'm dating a 21 year old with hige breasts!
"That is not a sin," the priest assured him.
"But I got her pregnant," said the old man.
"I see," said the priest. "This is serious. Are you a good Catholic?"
"Catholic? No, no. I'm agnostic," said the man
"So why are you telling me all this?" asked the flustered priest.
The agnostic said, "Well, I'm telling everyone. Wouldn't you?"

A father takes his deaf mute son to the Godfather.....

Father: Godfather my boy is a good boy but he can't get a job because he's a deaf mute.

Godfather: I will give him a job as a bag man. He will pick up the money from my bookies and bring it back here. he doesn't have to talk to anybody. Two weeks go by and the Father is grabbed off the street brought to the

Godfathers office. His Son is sitting in a chair all beat up.

Godfather: $50,000.00 is missing, ask your Son where it is. The Father: turns to the boy and in sign language says...."What did you do? Where is the money? they are going to kill you!

Son: (in sign language) I don't know anything about the money

Father: Godfather my Son is a good boy. He says he didn't steal any money

Godfather: Pulls a gun from his drawer and lays it on the desk and says..."ask him again" The Father: (in sign language) This guy is serious, he's going to kill more...

A farmer had three sons. One day, his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating high school, he would really like to get a car.
His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn, pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him, wanting a motorcycle. "Well," the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter." Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing its "rooster duty" with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself. more...