Father Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walked into a hotel and asked for a room. The guy behind the counter said there is only one room left but it is haunted. The man does not believe this so he gets the room. That night the man hears a voice saying "I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna eat you!" The man runs away scared.
The next day a father and his daughter get the room after they were warned. That night they hear "I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna eat you!" The girl hides under the bed as the father follows the sound to the closet. He opens the door.
There on the floor sits a little boy, picking his nose, saying "I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna eat you!"

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)
(dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed more...

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his
father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad
humping away on the bed! "Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!"
Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm
playing poker...and your mother's the wild card". "Oh,"says Johnny and he leaves the room.
Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to
look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away! "Ernie!" cried Johnny, "What are you doing!". Ernie stops humping for a second and says, "Well...I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard. "Oh", says Johnny and he leaves the room.
Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He
opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it more...

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at more...

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen."Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says,? I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I?m sick of her, and I?m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,? and then hangs up. The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news. She calls her father and yells,? You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don?t do a single thing, do you hear me?? The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says,? It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they?re paying their own way!?

A loaded mini van pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and quickly began unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed off to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper was watching all of this and marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
"I have a system," the father replied. "Before we leave the house, we all have a bowl of prunes and two litres of fresh orange juice for breakfast."
"Great, but how does that encourage such great teamwork?" asked the camper.
"Well, it's a 250 mile journey," the father explained with a grin, "and no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."