Fault Jokes / Recent Jokes
#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that - get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out; if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)
#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the governments fault you're starving.
#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.)
#2b. If the local store is too looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's tv and stereo alone. (See # 2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff; it's theirs, not yours.
#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping more...
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced:
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may more...
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To more...
(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)
1 Don't call, ever.
2 If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3 Lie.
4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5 If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6 Here's a good pick-up line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?
7 Drink Vernors.
8 Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11 Lie
12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15 Vanity is the most more...