Feet Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, “See that camel over there? I’ll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.
The other guy says “No way”.
The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel’s legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.
A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, “I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no. ”
The second guy says, “You got me last time, but there’s no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no. ”
The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, “Remember what I did last time? ”. (Camel nods). “Want me to do it again? ”
One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class"What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant topick on him she chose little Mary." I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotionsof love are." "Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else hadtheir hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him." I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?" Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw mydad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"
Did you hear about the guy born with two left feet? He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to more...
A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear, he assessed his situation.
He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.
Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"
A deep yet serene voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who is it?"
"It's God."
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help."
"Please help me then!"
"Let go."
Looking around the man became full of panic. more...
The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any General who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10, 000 for every inch measured, in a straight line along the retiring general's body, between two points he chose. The first General accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720, 000. The second General asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960, 000. Meantime, the first General had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the General to drop' em and he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip more...
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.