Fence Jokes / Recent Jokes

It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which had fallen into disrepair. St. Peter sought out Satan.
"Hey, Satan, it's your turn to fix the fence. The big guy says it looks awful. Get it done."
"I like the way it looks," Satan answered. "I'm not doing anything."
"You have to," said St. Peter. "It's your duty. You signed a contract when we built the fence, and you are obligated to repair it."
"You think I care about that contract?" asked Satan. "You should know better than that. I said I am not doing anything, and if you don't leave me alone, I may just tell you what you can do with that contract."
"If you don't make the repairs," St. Peter said angrily, "The law will make you. If you don't live up to your obligations under the contract, we'll sue you."
"Sue me?" Satan couldn't help laughing. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"

As a guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum, he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the fence, but curiousity starts to get the better of him. He thinks to himself, "What are they chanting about? Are they chugging beer? Are they beating up on the inmates?"
Finally, his curiousity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so he can see what's going on. Eventually, he finds a hole low in the fence.
He kneels down and peeks into the hole. Just then, someone pokes him in the eye. Then, everyone inside begins chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen!"

A big city lawyer was out duck hunting in rural Arizona. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell on the other side of a fence into a farmer's field. Just as the lawyer climbed over the fence, an old farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he thought he was doing.
"The duck I shot fell into this field, so I'm going to retrieve it," replied the lawyer.
"Listen, mister, this is my property and you're not coming over here," snarled the old farmer.
"Look, old man, I happen to be one of the best trial attorneys in the country, and either you let me get that duck or I'll sue you and take everything you own," demanded the lawyer.
"Looks like you don't know how we do things in these parts," said the farmer. "Around here we settle little disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
"What's the Three Kick Rule?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, first I kick you three times, then you kick me more...

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same placesthey went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secludedcountryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence runningalong the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we didhere forty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, andhe immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. Theymade love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never movedlike that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three more...

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?" The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?" The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone." To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding more...

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."