Fence Jokes / Recent Jokes

Up in heaven there is a white picket fence. On one side stood GOD on the other side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.
The devils helpers were kicking holes in the fence.
GOD said "if you don't tell them to stop, I'll sue you".
Satan started laughing and replied "You think you'll find a lawyer on your side of the fence"?

Two kangaroos were living in a zoo pen with a 20-foot high fence.
One morning, both kangaroos were found wandering around the zoo, and were quickly put back in their pen, and the fence was put up to 30 feet.
Next morning, they were found outside again, so the fence was made 40 feet high.
The fence got up to 60 feet, and still the kangaroos were outside in the morning.
One kangaroo says to the other, "How high will they make this fence, do you think?"
"Don't know," says the second. "Depends when they discover they're not locking the gate."
An elephant walks into a pub and orders a drink. He's sipping his beer when a man starts playing the piano.
The elephant looks over, and bursts into tears.
"Why are you crying?" asks the barman. "Does the tune have some special significance for you?"
"No," wails the elephant, "it's just that I recognise the keys!"
(Ivory!)

The traveling salesman explained to the farmer that he, the salesman, had a full day ahead of himself and that he had a lengthy sales pitch to deliver, but that he was consumed with curiosity about the pig, with a wooden leg, walking around the yard.
"Why does that pig have a wooden leg?", he asked.
"Well", the farmer drawled, "One day I was plowin' up the south forty when that thar tractor hit a stump, reared up on me, rolled over and stuck me underneath. I yelled and I hollered, but nobody heered me -' cept for that pig! He jumped over the fence, ran' cross the field, put his shoulder to the tractor, and lifted it jist enough for me to wiggle free. If it warn't fer that pig, I reckon I'd be a dead man today!
"Oh, so the pig hurt his leg when he lifted the tractor", the salesman deducted.
"Nope.", said the farmer. "One night our house was afire and we didn't know it. But that pig! That pig jumped over the fence, more...

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.Old Man speaks; "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!"Then the old man gestured at the bar."Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!"Then the old man points out the window."Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-thePier-Builder? Nooooo!"Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: "But ya fuck one goat... "

The author of this poem is unknown to me. I remember during my elementary school days being read this poem by a teacher who preferred the Biblical story of creation. This poem is an interesting example of the use of humor to persuade.
The monkeys viewpoint
Three monkeys sat is a cocoanut tree
Discussing things as they're said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen, you two,
There's a certain rumor that can't be true,
That man descends from our noble race -
The very idea is a disgrace.
No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies and ruined her life;
And you've never knwon a mother monk
To leave her abies with others to bunk,
Or to pass them on from one to another
'Til they scarcely know who is their mother.
And another thing you'll never see -
A monk build a fence 'round a cocoanut tree
And let the cocanuts go to waste,
Forbidding all other monks to taste.
Wy, if I put a fence around this more...

It turns out that Heaven isn't above Hell, but rather, Heaven and Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long wooden fence.
One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands perform with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start having a heck of a party. Toward the end of festivities, a big fireball fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the fence and burns it down.
God complains to the Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the fence.
The Devil says, "Sure, no problem. I've got all the union leaders over here as well as most of the building contractors."
So, the fence is rebuilt but it's three feet to one side so that Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is really pissed off.
"If you don't move that fence back," yells God, "I'm gonna sue you."
"Yeah, right," says the Devil. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?

There was this blonde farmer who had these two horses that she couldn’t tell apart. She went to her neighbor and asked if he had any ideas to help her. The neighbor told her to trim part of one horse’s tails so one would be shorter than the other. The blonde thanked her neighbor and went home. She trimmed one of the tails, and she could tell her horses apart now, until one day when the other horse got his tail caught in the fence. Now the blonde had a problem cuz she couldnt tell the horses apart again. So she went back to her neighbor and asked him what she could do. Her neighbor said to trim one of the horse’s ears. The blond thanked her neighbor again and went home. Then she trimmed one of her horse’s ears. Now he could tell them apart. Until one day when the other horse got its ear caught in the fence. Now the blond was stuck. So she went back to her neighbor. Her neighbor suggested that she measure her horses. The blond thanked her neighbor once again and went home. It more...