Few Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, "Dude, thank goodness you showed up!" "I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch." The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, "Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em." The friend said, "Ok". So the guy left. A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, "I want a vibrator. What do you have?" The friend said, "We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones." The lady said, "I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag." He sold it to her. Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, "I would like a vibrator, what do you have?" The friend replied, "Red, black or white, large, medium or small. The woman asked, more...
I wouldn`t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won`t rise to the occasion, but I`ll slide over to it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don`t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there`s a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
She knew that these were to be her last few hours on this earth, so she called her husband to her side and in a halting voice told him her last request.
"I know," she said, "that you and Mother have never gotten along. But would you, as a special favor to me, ride to the cemetery in the same car with her?"
"All right," replied the unhappy husband, "but it will spoil my whole day."
Good girls say " thanks for a wonderful dinner"... Bad girls say, " what's for breakfast?" Good girls never go after another girl's man... Bad girls go after him AND his brother. Good girls wear white cotton pantiesBad girls don't wear any. Good girls wax their floors... Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hotBad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls make chicken for dinner... Bad girls make reservationsGood girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies... Bad girls know they could do betterGood girls never consider sleeping with the boss... Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich. Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls... Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls... Good girls love Italian food... Bad girls love Italian waiters.
The following information was gained through much arduous research
involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most often asked questions of women (i. e..
relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are
encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their
behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it
comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're
not emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that more...
Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of' careful consideration', she answered "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to Their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say' yes' or did she say' no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just Could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to The telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When more...
Expressing Stupidity
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they more...