Fifth Jokes

Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend.
The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God more...

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we
don't
serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth
between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out
flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough.A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse
me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is
not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender
notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now!
You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a
3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a
nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp
tonight, come on in! This more...

What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
'Hey y'all... Watch this!'
How To Pick Up A Chick In Arkansas:
Hey Baby! Nice tooth.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You think the last three words of the national
anthem is 'start your engines.'
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
If you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You think the stock market has fence around it.
You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the
dump and bring back more than you took.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your grandfather died and left everything to his
widow... but she can't touch it 'til she's fourteen.
You Might Be A more...